Just Blow Me
by MindlessAdri
Summary: One-shot. Au. A lengthy story told form dual points of view that explores the hardships of sudden responsibility and how love either grows and changes or crumbles under the pressure.


Rating: R

Spoilers:None; AU

Warnings: Themes of depression and infidelity

Notes: I really like the idea of 'right love wrong time' and so that's what I did here. I've been working on this for over three months and I would very much appreciate critical feed back in any form. I mean I worked on this to the point where I don't even know if I'm happy with it.

* * *

"I don't normally do this," Kurogane breathed heavily as Fai sucked at his neck and unbuttoned his shirt so he could effectively run his hands down Kurogane's chest. It sounded lame to say, even to him, but he really didn't so things like this. This guy was different though. Annoying and loud and teasing but different. And god were his eyes blue and lips pink and body firm and smile intoxicating.

Fai stopped kissing his neck and smirked up at him wickedly. "I don't go home with people I have no intention of seeing again."

Kurogane smirked back at him with equal wickedness as his hands found their way to the flat of Fai's stomach. "Good to know we're on the same page."

Fai captured his mouth again without warning and backed Kurogane into the nearest wall. He'd have to thank his friends for forcing him to go out later.

The day started and ended with Syaoran.

This day began no different.

Fai felt Kurogane roll over and waited as patiently as one could for the incessant noise of the alarm clock to stop it's six AM cry. Fai turned over, his eyes cracked just barely as he watched Kurogane sit up in rub his head. "Kuro-pon come back to bed," Fai half whined, half mumbled.

"Tch. I have to get the kid ready for school." Kurogane replied as he kicked his legs over the bed and burrowed his fists into the mattress as he contemplated whether to get up or not. After a moment Kurogane was still sitting at the edge of the bed and was too tired and worn to even begin to entertain the idea of chopping the morning wood. Fai shimmied over to where Kurogane was, somehow managing not to dispel the sheets covering him, and encircled Kurogane hips with his arms.

"I didn't mean it like that," Fai grumbled. He continued to hold Kurogane and realized, with a certain amount of surprise, that Kurogane still hadn't made to move. "Remember when we use to lay in bed and just be together before we had to start moving. Just for a few minutes. Please?" Fai nuzzled his face into the small of Kurogane's back.

Kurogane pulled away regardless. The sudden loss of the body caused Fai to drop harshly to the mattress. "Doesn't matter how you meant it. Doesn't change anything - still have to get up," Kurogane mumbled. Tiredness was thick in his voice as he spoke, "Go back to sleep if you're not ready to be up."

Fai watched him stalk into the bathroom and waited until he heard the shower running to let his chest audibly deflate. He let himself sink into the bed sheets. How long had it been since they last had sex? He'd been lying when he had said he hadn't meant his invitation like that, but he really would have settled for two minutes of cuddling. Kurogane hardly touched him now that Syaoran lived in his apartment.

It'd been nearly two months since the last time they had sex, if that time could even really been called sex. It had been lacking emotion and left him feeling hollow. Kurogane had just done it to please him. It had been straight to the point and brief because they hadn't had sex for nearly three months before that. All together unsatisfying.

It hadn't been like this in the beginning. When they had first started seeing each other they had sex regularly, but sex during this time had also been much more than it was now. At the time it had been an expression of their growing feelings for each other. A physical manifestation of their desire to cling to each other and be with each other. An actualization of their love for each other. Then Kurogane's parents died and he gained a child.

Syaoran was not actually Kurogane's blood relative but he might as well have been considering how ruthlessly he had fought for custody. He was actually adopted as an infant by Kurogane's parents when they had decided they wanted another child but couldn't conceive. The two had always been close even after Kurogane had moved out at twenty. Even so, there was a difference in being close and having to take on the responsibilities of a parent.

Fai laid in Kurogane's bed and busied himself by picking at the threading of Kurogane's pillow case. He realized he should at least try to sleep. Sleep wasn't particularly easy to come by these days for him. Most of the time he stared at the ceiling until Kurogane got up and even well past that at times. He'd never had trouble sleeping before and even if he did sleep he hardly ever dreamed and hardly ever felt rested upon waking up. It'd been this was for nearly four months at this point and his boyfriend hadn't noticed. Fai curled himself around Kurogane's pillow as best he could and inhaled deeply; the pillow smelled like Kurogane's aftershave and sweat. He should have gone back to sleep, he was tired enough to at least try despite the futility, but he wanted to talk to Kurogane again.

The shower shut off and Kurogane came out into the room wearing only a towel around his hips. "Do you want help getting Syaoran ready?" Fai's question didn't quite register in his own mind, he was too distracted as his eyes ravaged the sight before him: lean muscle under tan skin, water dripping down from raven hair over a broad back.

"Don't worry about him. I'll take care of it," Kurogane mumbled with disinterest as he looked for clothing. "Go back to sleep."

Fai sunk further into the sheets and felt his body go limp with effort. He was already beginning to realize today was not the day he and Kurogane would fix their relationship. "Will you at least give me a kiss before you leave today?" Fai pleaded after a few moments of silent heartache.

He looked over to Kurogane who teetered from one foot to the other as he pulled his pants up. He put the button through the eyelet, his jeans sitting on his hips right below the waistband of his boxer briefs. The taller let slip an amused smirk. "Of course. I'm going to go wake the kid up. Go back to sleep, you look like shit."

Fai felt hopeful. He hadn't gotten brushed off and Kurogane even smiled! - something that was becoming more and more rare. At the same time however, there was this daunting feeling in his chest, like he was going to throw up and cry all at once. He hadn't been able to shake this feeling for the past couple of weeks. And the feeling just kept growing inside of him – kidnapping even these small moments of hope as it was doing now. Kurogane would probably forget, get too wrapped up in being a makeshift parent and forget Fai was there as per usual.

He couldn't sleep after that and instead he laid awake listening to Kurogane and Syaoran scurry around the apartment. Fai didn't want to be laying in bed, he wanted to be out there helping get Syaoran ready for school. When Syaoran had first come to live with Kurogane, Fai had been ready to step up and help take care of Syaoran, but he found that Kurogane had other plans.

He'd first noticed it when Kurogane and Syaoran came home from the airport. He'd never met Kurogane's parents, despite their long relationship. Money was always too tight and time was better spent soaking up the city for all it was worth. They were young, still young, and thought they had all the time in the world to introduce each other to their families. Regardless, Kurogane had come through the doors with a suitcase in one hand and his other supporting a sleeping child against his chest. Fai had rushed forward to help only to have Kurogane shake his head signaling, "I need to do this myself." Kurogane didn't come out of what was now his brother's room the rest of the night. When Fai went to check on him he found a scene that was beautifully heartbreaking. It should have been some sort of indication to the future all the same. Kurogane was laying the best he could in the twin size bed with his back facing the door. Syaoran had been curled up facing him with Kurogane's shirt balled in his fist. The boy was crying as quietly as he could and beside him, Kurogane was soothing him with a shaky voice, "It'll be fine. I'll always take care of you. I'm not going anywhere."

Kurogane never talked to him about his parents' death and Fai didn't know how to bring it up. At first he had thought that Kurogane would bring it up when he was ready, but time passed and he realized Kurogane wouldn't do that; he felt like his window of opportunity for asking had closed by the time he fully realized this.

Before he knew it, it was nearing seven-thirty. He knew because he could hear Kurogane fussing over Syaoran's hair. "People are going to think you're homeless. Did you put water in it?" Syaoran was a soft spoken kid, at least in Fai's experience, so he couldn't hear him reply. Apparently, this hadn't been so before the accident. "Well, I guess we're just going to leave it like this then. Go get you backpack."

Fai heard Syaoran's feet running down the hall towards his room and Kurogane's heavy steps coming towards his own. He shut his eyes tight to act like he was asleep. He didn't know why he wanted to know, but he wanted to know if he would do it. If he would kiss him before he left. He was acutely aware of Kurogane grabbing his keys and wallet on the dresser, and even more aware of how he didn't pause to look his way. The door clicked shut.

The blond attempted to throw the covers off, only to find he was too entangled in them which prompted him to frantically kick to expel them. Once free he made to run towards the door only to get his foot caught in the sheets hanging off the side of the bed and fall. Fai immediately got up and ran to the door to throw it open.

Kurogane was reading a note and Syaoran was looking guiltily at the floor. "What do you mean you're in charge of snacks today?" Kurogane half yelled, half grunted. Syaoran mumbled something that sounded like an apology and an 'I forgot'. Kurogane clicked his tongue in irritation. "It's fine. C'mon."

Fai was peeking from behind the door frame. "Kuro?"

Kurogane looked up as he ushered Syaoran out the door. "Hm?"

"I-" He came forward so he was standing in front of Kurogane. "I just wanted to tell you to have a good day."

Kurogane smirked with a hint of confusion. "Yeah. I'll see you when I get home."

And he was gone.

Fai had been standing right in front of him and he could say, with near certainty, that the thought to kiss him hadn't crossed Kurogane's mind. He slouched in defeat and went back to bed, tired from the previous night's work. The sheets still smelled like Kurogane. Musky and warm and intoxicating. He buried his face further into the mattress and breathed deep. He was tired, yes, but he couldn't ignore that he was half hard. Besides he had earned the right to rub one off if Kurogane wasn't going to do it for him. He brought his knees beneath himself and reached into his underwear to grasp his member. Images of Kurogane beneath him with his face contorted in pleasure flashed across his frontal lobe as he began to stroke himself. He knew it wouldn't take much to make him come, even so, he focused on imagining sensation in hopes of prolonging his pleasure. A warm tongue at his throat. Soft hair brushing along his chin. Smooth skin beneath his hands as he explored. Cold, slender hands roaming his body. Breasts bouncing in time with his thrusts. He came.

Fai opened his eyes in horror and he flopped onto his back. He lifted his hand and was shocked and mortified to actually find his cum splattered on it. He'd masturbated thinking about a woman. He felt ready to be sick, not because he had thought about a woman, but because he hadn't thought about Kurogane. Did he really feel so unwanted by Kurogane that he couldn't even picture them having sex together anymore? He reached over to the nightstand for some tissues and cleaned himself off before driving his palms into his eyes to prevent tears of frustration from overflowing. He didn't sleep for the rest of the morning. He finally fell into a restless sleep midday.

There are moments in every persons life when they wake up and immediately regret the decision they made. Kurogane had had a few of those in his time; like the time he had stayed up all night reading manga and nearly missed his SAT in high school. Or the time he had taken one too many Benadryl that he'd passed out and his cousins, all girls, had applied their best waterproof makeup to his face hours before the family reunion dinner. As he lay there with his eyes closed on the very edge of wakefulness this is what he thought of: those moments of regret.

He'd gone home with a man who was practically a stranger the night before and while he remembered the man's smile and name and scent the way a starving man remembers food, fondly and desperately, Kurogane couldn't help but wonder if his memories were clouded by booze and those god awful neon night lights.

But the hair that he felt sprawled over his chest couldn't be a lie. It was soft just like he remembered and it made Fai real. Fai shifted on his chest and he felt a bony finger poke insistently at his breastbone. Kurogane swatted in annoyance at Fai's hand and all the blond did was laugh. Kurogane cracked an eye and peered down at Fai who blinked back at him, an amused and subtle smile playing on his face. "What's your name?"

Kurogane felt his stomach twist in knots. His first instinct was to disentangle himself from the blond. Fai refused to be moved, "I'm just kidding Kuro-pu. I know who you are." Fai was giggling as Kurogane rested his head back on his pillow.

"Don't laugh at me," Kurogane tried to growl. It had sounded like more of a whine.

Fai reached his hand up and ran it through Kurogane's hair a few moments. Kurogane could feel himself start to blush and swatted Fai's hand away. Fai's hand retreated without protest and settled across Kurogane's chest. Fai continued to stare at his face with the same soft smile he had had all morning. "What?" Kurogane grunted.

Fai dipped his head and kissed Kurogane's chest. "Nothing." After that Fai pushed himself up and off the bed. He began looking around the room for clothes his eyes watched the naked man unrestrained but still Kurogane noticed Fai kept throwing his own clothes to a corner indicating he probably had no intention of leaving. Fai finally found his boxers and pulled them on. "Stop staring Kurogane. It's not gentlemanly."

Kurogane blushed, clicked his tongue, and looked away. He could feel Fai pad back over to the bed. The mattress shifted under the blond's weight and a moment later he found Fai leaning over him on all fours. He looked up and the same smile was on Fai's face - still. Fai leaned down and kissed Kurogane's nose. "Should I make breakfast for the grumpy puppy?"

"Who's a 'grumpy puppy', now?" Kurogane retorted.

Fai's smile changed to a grin and he kissed Kurogane fully on the lips. "I'll take that as a all you made me so happy last night that making breakfast is the least I can do." With that he retreated from the bed and went towards the door. Fai tossed a gigantic smile back at Kurogane and he decided right then, as Fai made his way out his bedroom door, that he would definitely not regret this.

His alarm woke him up at five thirty in the evening. Kurogane would be home any minute from picking Syaoran up from Safe Key. Fai dragged his body heavily from the mattress, and was not too surprised to find he felt even more tired than he had before he went to sleep.

He stripped naked in front of the mirror and he let the water get warm. Fai put his palms flat against his stomach and pushed them down to his hips. Maybe Kurogane didn't find him attractive anymore? The very thought made his stomach twist in knots. He leaned forward over the sink to inspect his face only to find that the same frown that had fixed itself upon his face weeks ago, was still there. Smiling felt more like a chore nowadays than a natural response.

With a sigh, he stepped into the shower. He had, had every intention to get in and get out but once the hot water was pouring over him he found it very hard to move. For the most part, he just stood there letting the water try to ease the tension. He might have stayed there forever if he hadn't heard Kurogane and Syaoran walk in the front door.

By the time Fai came out of the room, Kurogane and Syaoran were hunched over the table doing homework together. It was nearing six thirty. He casually thought to himself that they almost looked like a complete family all they were lacking was another parental figure. Family? What a thought. There was no place for him in this family was there? He'd made an effort to try. Perhaps he hadn't tried enough? Perhaps he should keep trying. He slapped a smile on his face an idea suddenly dawning on him. They ignored him as he went to the kitchen and fished a frying pan out from under the counter before turning hopefully back to the two at the table. "Want me to make something for dinner?"

"We already ate, Fai," Syaoran piped in as he looked up from his homework. "Kurogane got off early so me and him went out together and got burgers and fries. He even let me have a shake!" The kid sounded genuinely excited even so -

He must have been making a face because Kurogane frowned at him. The taller excused himself from the table and went to Fai in the kitchen. He grabbed the blond's elbow. "What's wrong?"

Fai looked at the ground. "Nothing. I'll just make myself dinner."

"Look. I didn't want to wake you up," he hissed. Fai could tell Kurogane was irritated and thought he was acting childish; not that Kurogane would say so. "You really did look like shit this morning, and I didn't want to make it worse. Okay?"

"Yeah, okay." Fai replied weakly. He turned to go to the stove only to have his hand caught and himself spun to face Kurogane.

"You know I," he paused as if debating what to say. Fai felt like his heart was going to pop out of his chest with anticipation "I-" Kurogane sighed. "I didn't mean to upset you. You know that right?"

Sledge hammer to the chest. "Yeah. I do."

"Good." With that, Kurogane went back to his seat next to his brother and started correcting the kid's homework mistakes.

Fai went to the stove. Kurogane couldn't even say it to him. In retrospect Kurogane had never been particularly good at expressing his feelings but he'd also been good at knowing when his feelings needed to be expressed.

Fai angrily slapped together a turkey burger and frowned deeply at it as it cooked in the frying pan. Kurogane didn't want him emotionally or physically anymore. Oh, and he might not love him either. Perhaps he had to show Kurogane that he still wanted him at least.

It'd been a long fucking day. A fifty point reduction for using MLA citations as opposed to Chicago? Who the fuck used Chicago citations anyway? Kurogane was laying in bed now waiting for Fai who had volunteered to clean his kitchen. They'd been together - what - seven months?

It didn't even feel that long and at the same time every thing before Fai seemed like forever and a day ago. Fai's voice, laugh, movement, antics, quirks, faults; they always filled his mind. Thinking of them now he ran his hands over his face to contain the heat in his cheeks while thinking, "Goddamnit I really like him."

Lately he found his mind drifting in class because his mind was so consumed by Fai. Everything in his life had become about that man. Waking up meant pulling him closer. Getting up meant being pulled back to bed by pale arms. Breakfast was about sitting in bed and eating with him before he went to school and Fai went to sleep. School was an excuse for waiting for the pointless, annoying, heartfelt text messages that Fai knew he wouldn't reply to until lunch. Going home meant waking Fai up for work no matter how many times it took to get the blond to stop grumbling and actually get up. Dinner? - Laying on the couch with his head in Fai's lap and he tried his best to be annoyed at the fact he was being fed. Going to bed meant not sleeping comfortably until Fai was laying next to him.

His days were not just about living anymore. His days were about loving Fai.

Love.

He loved him.

The realization made Kurogane's stomach drop and his eyes shot open to stare at the ceiling.

He heard the door creak open enough for Fai to slip inside and flip the light switch for the overhead lights off so only the lamps beside the bed remained on. The bed shifted under Fai's weight as he crawled to where Kurogane was. The blond settled himself on his stomach so his head faced Kurogane. "Tired?" Fai inquired

"Hnnn." Kurogane replied as he closed his eyes. Even though he couldn't see Fai, he could feel the idiot smiling at him. The bed shifted again and Fai chastely kissed him.

"Should I help?" Fai was teasing him and Kurogane growled in response but turned on his side anyway. He slept so much better with Fai there.

Kurogane pulled Fai into him and buried his nose in Fai's hair. He smelled like tea and that girly strawberry shampoo that was way overpriced. It was his favorite scent, he thought as he kissed Fai's head.

Kurogane felt Fai snuggle in closer to him and pull his arm over his slight frame so he was hugging Kurogane's arm to his chest.

He loved him. He loved him so much he was surprised it didn't physically hurt.

Kurogane took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I love you," he nearly whispered as he buried his face in Fai's shoulder.

Fai turned over and pressed his arms firmly between Kurogane's chest and his. "Say it again."

He tried to frown but found that his lips refused to do anything but quirk upwards in a smirk. "You heard me."

Fai's eyes were wide and round and pleading like he couldn't believe what Kurogane had told him. "Please?"

Kurogane kissed him firmly, deeply and when he pulled back, he ran the pad of his thumb over Fai's bottom lip. "I love you."

Fai was searching his face for what was probably the longest half second of Kurogane's life before his face broke out into a grin. "I love you, too"

Fai didn't go to work that night and they made love.

Later, Fai was getting ready to go to work. Syaoran was in the tub and Kurogane was making second dinner for himself in the kitchen. Second dinner was always the same, pastrami on rye, no cheese, lots of mustard. Fai walked up behind Kurogane and tapped him on the shoulder. Kurogane looked over his shoulder and Fai planted a firm kiss on his lips that made him turn around so that he was backed against the counter.

Fai pried his mouth open and roused Kurogane's tongue from it's rested position. After a moment he felt Kurogane's hands go to his hips and grasp firmly. He broke the kiss in favor of planting smaller ones along Kurogane's jaw.

"What are you doing?" The taller inquired. He seemed genuinely confused by Fai's actions. The blonde captured Kurogane's mouth again and breathed him in. "We really shouldn't be doing this. The kid is down the hall," Kurogane gasped when Fai released his mouth.

"Shh." Fai planted kisses down Kurogane's throat and put his palms on the other's chest. He could feel Kurogane roll his eyes as Fai slowly dropped to his knees. He made quick work of Kurogane's belt and was delighted to find Kurogane was becoming hard. He licked along the shape of the covered penis teasingly before releasing the member from its confines. He gave Kurogane a few firm pumps to bring him to make him more erect before pursing his lips and letting saliva drip on to Kurogane's tip and down his shaft. With the aid of lubrication he pumped faster, successfully bringing Kurogane to full mast.

Above him, he could feel that Kurogane was beginning to enjoy himself. Finally.

Fai licked up the shaft and twirled his tongue around the head of Kurogane's cock before engulfing the tip. Kurogane tightened his grip on the linoleum countertop as Fai began to slowly bob his head.

"Kurogane! I'm out of soap!"

Fai felt Kurogane tense. "Shit," Kurogane spat out. He moved in such a way that forced Fai off of him and he tucked himself, with some degree of difficulty, back into his pants. "I told you we shouldn't have been doing that."

Fai could feel his face set into a scowl as he wiped his mouth. "Maybe if we did it a little more often I wouldn't have to corner you in the kitchen."

Kurogane was halfway out of the kitchen when he turned around. "Are you fucking serious."

Fai stood up quickly. He couldn't control himself. He wanted to yell and scream and fight. "Tell me, Kurogane, do you even love me anymore?" Venom was the only way to describe what was coming out of his mouth.

Kurogane's mouth gaped. "Kurogane! I need soap! The shower is getting cold!"

"I'll be right there!" Kurogane yelled back. "Fai, can we talk about this in the morning?" He didn't sound angry, he sounded tired.

Fai set his mouth into a tight line. "I'm going to work." He left the kitchen, grabbing his keys as he passed the table. He slammed the door behind him.

Shit. Shit. Fucking shit! Kurogane threw the closest thing to him against the wall.

There went that alarm clock.

Kurogane collapsed onto his bed and ran his hand over his face. They had made it an entire year without a fight. They had had disagreements, but as far as a full blown fight with screaming, cursing, and winded replies, well, they had never had a fight like that before.

His heart was still pounding in his chest. Kurogane couldn't even remember what they had been fighting about anymore.

Was it him or Fai who had started the fight? Both of them were stressed. Finals were fast approaching and Kurogane was on edge, writing papers late into the night and waking up unrested the next morning. Fai's boss had fired his coworker and he was working doubles to cover the loss. Neither of them had slept well the last two weeks without the other or the promise of the other's company.

It was stupid really. They were fighting because they missed each other and now Fai was going to his apartment for the night. They should have just moved in together but they both decided it was too soon. Not to mention Fai's roommates wouldn't be able to make the rent without his share and Fai was too considerate to just up and leave even if five of the seven days of the weeks he slept at Kurogane's.

He missed him already. The first night off Fai had in weeks and the first night he had scheduled himself some free time and he had gone and fucked it up - royally. It had been him who had started the fight now that he was trying to recall what had happened.

Fai had made a teasing remark about how Kurogane looked like 'a tired old man." A comment like that on any other day where he had been well rested and not so stressed would have earned a growl at best. Instead he replied with, "Shut the fuck up, Fai." He'd said it with too sharp a voice and Fai had straightened up and shot right back at him.

One hour and a broken alarm clock later, Fai had stormed out throwing his key at Kurogane's chest and announcing he wasn't coming back for the night. And what had Kurogane done? - Stood there like a fucking idiot. He growled again and beat his fist against the mattress. He'd never fought with any of his previous partners mostly because he had never been with anybody long enough to fight.

He laid there in his bed for a while staring at the ceiling. Kurogane wasn't thinking about any one thing but rather his mind was drifting anywhere but the present. He thought of the night he met Fai and how the lights in the tacky club his friends had dragged him to had made Fai's eyes glow and how those eyes had been staring up at him the next morning. It dawned on him that ever since that night his bed had never really been empty. Fai was always coming back to take up the physical space in the bed but he had always been there in some metaphorical sense. So then why did Kurogane's bed feel so cold and desolate?

Kurogane fished around in his pocket and pulled out his phone. He might have been a stubborn prick at times but he'd be damned if he didn't suck it up to get Fai back to make it so his bed didn't feel so empty.

His phone rang and kept ringing; just when he was sure Fai wouldn't answer he heard Fai's voice. "What do you want?" He was obviously still upset. His voice sounded less angry and more distraught - upset nonetheless.

Kurogane wasn't going to waste time beating around the bush, "Come back." Fai had no reply and Kurogane threw his arm over his eyes to contain the building pressure. "Please?" Even to himself he sounded pathetic and pleading - which he supposed he was pleading.

Fai's voice was softer and sounded closer to hurt than enraged when he finally spoke, "I don't want to fight with you anymore."

"I don't want to fight with you either." Kurogane's tongue felt too thick to make words. There was silence across the phone waves. "I don't know how to do this Fai," Kurogane finally said when he realized Fai wasn't going to talk. "I've never been with anyone long enough to have a fight like this. I just - I'm sorry. I want you to come back." Kurogane decided then in the silence that followed that he hated Fai's silence more than Fai's teasing. "Please? Come home."

"Okay," Fai finally answered with a soft and wavering voice.

They hung up and Kurogane moved to the couch in the living room. His knee would not stop bouncing no matter how many times he tried to hold it down. He had said he didn't want to fight as had Fai but his guilt was making him anxious.

The door clicked open and Fai stepped inside closing the door behind him. Kurogane sprang from the couch and took three strides towards Fai. He took Fai's face in his hands and kissed the blond firmly and decidedly. "I'm sorry."

Fai's arms encircled Kurogane's neck, "I know." Fai returned the kiss with more passion. "I'm sorry too."

That night as Kurogane lay in bed with Fai's head on his chest and his fingers in Fai's hair he came to a decision. He would not use Fai as a scapegoat for the stress brought on by his responsibilities.

Nothing good ever happens at three am. At least that's what his mom use to tell him, and now he has to agree. The bar where Fai worked was slow, and he was mostly left with his thoughts, which just drifted back to his crumbling relationship that was slowly but surely becoming toxic. He'd never been depressed before. Never had a reason to be. But there he was, feeling unwanted, unloved, undervalued, unattractive, unfulfilled, and forgotten.

"Relationship issues?" He was handsome. Undoubtedly handsome, with high cheekbones, full lips, slight yet solid frame, and wavy hair that was just long enough to pull into a ponytail at the back of his neck.

Fai felt his face heat up, not entirely because the man was handsome, but because he had been so easy to read. He composed himself and let a solemn smile fall on his lips before letting defeat meet his eyes. "Am I that easy to read?"

"Yes and no. Yes, because your frown and worry lines are making you look ten years older than you really are. And no, because, if I'm being truthful, I was just taking a stab in the dark and hoping to find out you weren't in a relationship at all so I could take you home tonight."

Fai couldn't decide whether to be offended or flattered, so he instead decided on a neutral response. "You're awfully forward, aren't you?"

The man laughed. "It's my play. Everybody has one. Mine happens to be 'So blunt it could be mistaken as rude or awkward'. I sink fifty percent of the time."

"If you're failing so often, why keep that approach?"

"Well, I'm swimming right now."

"I wouldn't say you're swimming," Fai scoffed with mild amusement.

"I still haven't sunk then, which means I could still swim away with a catch tonight."

The blonde played with his hair nervously. He wasn't quite sure what he was doing. He should tell this guy flat out there was no way he was swimming anywhere with him tonight, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Maybe it was the way the man kept smiling at him or the way Fai didn't feel forgotten for the first time in a long time.

"You're thinking about them, aren't you?" The stranger stated suddenly, as he polished off his drink and flipped the glass down on the bar.

Fai looked up with a start, "I – I... Yes, I was."

"Do you want to talk about it?" The man asked as he leaned forward on the bar.

Did he want to talk about it? He hadn't really gotten an opportunity to unload on anybody in the last few months. Mostly because they were people he had to see on a regular basis and he felt embarrassed that he was acting so childish and unable to keep his relationship together. "It's just that he doesn't care anymore. All he can focus on is his brother." He could hear the bitterness creeping into his voice, but he could hardly be inclined to care. This man sitting on the opposite side of the bar as him didn't know him, he could talk as freely and selfishly as he wanted. "I exist! I'm still there and he doesn't even fucking care anymore! I want him to recognize that I am still there but how am I supposed to do that? He's lost all interest in me. All interest."

"Sounds like a strong headed bastard to me," the handsome stranger affirmed. "I have no idea how he could lose interest in you. I can barely take my eyes off you."

"He is. He really is. Why do I even try?"

Something fox like slipped through the mans eyes and a deceivingly understanding smile graced his lips. "You try because you know there is something better for you and if you stop trying, it might slip past you at any given moment."

"But what if this is all I'm meant to have?" He'd never thought that way before, but the words had come out of his mouth involuntarily and he needed to be told that 'No. This wasn't all he would have: A broken relationship and an unhappy life.'

"You deserve a lot more than the way this man is treating you," Fai had never heard the word 'man' sound like such an insult. "From everything I've gathered in the short time we've been talking, he treats you like shit. He ignores you. Forgets about you. Leaves you alone to come up with these thoughts that you aren't good enough. Fuck him. You deserve more."

He did deserve more, he knew that. "I don't think he loves me anymore." He said it so quietly that if the other man hadn't responded, he would have thought he'd only thought the words.

Blunt, the stranger was so blunt. "He doesn't. You should look towards the future. You're handsome. You have amazing eyes. And a killer body. And, if I'm not mistaken, the world's most kissable lips."

Fai instinctively reached up to touch his lips. Forget sex. When was the last time he had been kissed? Truly kissed? Something snapped inside of him. He didn't do it consciously, it was probably a culmination of things rather than this one night. It was the loneliness, resentment, bitterness, solitude, depression, lack of self worth all piling up until he didn't care: he needed validation, no, he craved it. He needed to feel wanted. So, it was with a clouded mind that he put on a plastic smile as he replied to the handsome, anonymous stranger, "Why don't you find out?"

He had been trying to deny it for the last three days but now as Kurogane was retching over the toilet at five in the morning he had to accept that he was sick.

He could feel Fai standing in the doorway of the bathroom and despite the fact he couldn't see Fai he knew the blond's arms were crossed and he was looking at Kurogane with exasperation. "I told you that you're sick."

Kurogane spit into the toilet and collapsed against the wall. "I'm not sick," he rasped, "I'm mildly unwell."

Fai moved to the sink and filled their rinse cup with water. "You're mildly a pain in my ass," he retorted as he passed Kurogane the water.

Kurogane took the water. He felt like shit but he supposed he could understand why Fai lacked sympathy since his boyfriend had been trying to get him to rest since Monday when he had started coughing. He watched with a certain amount of delirium as Fai made a face at the toilet and flushed it's contents. When Fai looked towards him he tried to scowl but instead of a returned look of irritation Fai just sighed and his face melted into concern.

Fai kneeled down next to Kurogane and put his palm to Kurogane's cheek. Fai's hand was shockingly cool against Kurogane's fevered skin and Kurogane couldn't help but turn into the touch. "You're burning up," Fai whispered .

"I think I'm sick," Kurogane relented as Fai kissed his forehead. Fai pulled away and offered his hand to Kurogane. "You shouldn't be kissing me. You'll get sick."

Fai chuckled, "But then big puppy can just take care of me."

"Good luck," Kurogane groaned as they made their way to the master bedroom. "I don't know how to take care of sick people."

Fai helped Kurogane settle back into bed and he ran his fingers through Kurogane's hair to push it back from his face. "Well what did your mom do for you when you were sick?"

Kurogane dropped his forearm over his eyes and thought a moment. "She would make soup and give it to me in bed and she would sit with me until I went to sleep. She would let me sleep as long as I needed to and she would give me whatever shit the doctor prescribed."

"Should I take you to the doctor? I might have to hold you down if you need a shot though," Fai teased softly.

"I'm twenty-three not ten you idiot," he tried to tease back but was cut off by a short coughing fit. Kurogane groaned in agony and instinctively reach for Fai. His hand landed high on Fai's inner thigh and he squeezed - or tried to anyway since his grip was weak with sickness. "Just stay with me until morning."

"But Kuro-pu the sun is already rising," Fai breathed as he collapsed onto Kurogane's chest.

Kurogane looked outside and sure enough the sun was just beginning to creep over the neighboring buildings and into their room. "Then just stay with me until I don't feel like shit."

"Sleep as long as you want. I'll make you soup in the morning."

"With the letter noodles."

"Sure."

"And the spicy broth."

"If you insist."

"No carrots."

Fai sighed and flopped off Kurogane and onto his side of the bed. "Go to sleep."

Kurogane relented and let himself start to sink into sleep but not before inching closer to Fai so his back was against Fai's ribs and he was using Fai's bicep as a pillow. "...love you." He mumbled in his delirium as dawn began to take over; coating their room in an atmosphere that felt entirely removed from the rest of existence.

Dawn was a strange time of day. It was like the world was stuck in limbo trying to decide for itself what kind of day it would be. If Fai had to guess, it was going to be rather gloomy. The mist was gray and thick above his head and hadn't quite touched ground, but it would.

He'd made a mistake. Part of him didn't feel so much regretful as defiant. Even so, he still felt disgusted with himself. He kept trying to justify his actions. Chalk it up to how his relationship had become unsatisfying and unhealthy. Ultimately he had come to the conclusion that just because he had reasons, they didn't necessarily make his actions right.

A hot, hot shower was in order to wash away the grime he felt covering his body. He thought to himself that he probably should have went to his own apartment; it was closer to the bar anyway, but there was something pulling him to Kurogane's apartment. He let the door fall open into the quietness of the apartment. It was still in limbo, even here, and it felt wrong to break the stillness, so he crept in as quietly as possible.

The apartment looked no different than it had the previous night except the dishes were done now. Fai flipped his phone out of his pocket, an idea suddenly dawning on him. No missed calls. No unanswered text messages. Hadn't Kurogane cared at all? A deep frown settled on his face. Perhaps it was a mistake? He walked with heavy footsteps to the kitchen and looked at Kurogane's phone. No drafts. No started and canceled calls. No indication that he cared.

He set his things down on the counter, his keys making a loud clash sound as he dropped them and he went to the guest bathroom. Fai stripped naked quickly and examined his body in the mirror. He had bite marks over his collar bones and hickeys on the left side of his neck. He tentatively ran his fingers over the marks and turned away from the mirror quickly to turn on the shower.

The water was scalding hot, but he was much more focused on the mantra running through his head. Unworthy, Forgotten, Unimportant, Unloved. By the time he was done the water had turned cold, but his skin still remained red and irritated from both the heat and the scrubbing he had done.

It crossed his mind that he should probably sleep, but he could physically feel the adrenaline and anger coursing through his body. Fai walked to the bedroom and threw the door open, not caring that Kurogane was sleeping as the door hit the wall with a thud. Kurogane wasn't even there. He must have been in Syaoran's room. The kid had nightmares. Fai couldn't reasonably blame him, but that didn't stop him from knitting his eyebrows together all the same.

He went straight to the pile of laundry he had meant to do at some point and sifted through the mess. He found a pair of well worn pants that frayed at one knee and pulled them on without regard for underwear, the pants were too tight for them anyway. He found a loose tank top with thick stripes running left to right in various gray and purple hues and threw it on. He caught his reflection in the window. Anybody could clearly see the red marks his neck. He nodded at himself resolutely. He didn't want to hide it he decided.

He needed to busy himself, so he went out into the apartment and started cleaning. Kurogane wasn't a slob, but he wasn't Martha Stewart either. There was laundry to be done, kitchen counters to clean, and a floor to sweep and mop and by the time he was done it was only seven. On a weekday Kurogane and Syaoran would be up and about to leave, and he would be in bed listening and hoping Kurogane would come say goodbye. He hardly ever did.

Breakfast. He was going to make breakfast. It was nothing fancy just bacon, eggs, and toast but it was enough to bring Kurogane out of Syaoran's room scratching his head and yawning. Fai felt his stomach leap to his throat. Sink or swim.

"I made breakfast."

Kurogane smirked in half asleep amusement and mumbled, "Smells good."

"You look like shit," Fai responded flatly as he made two plates and brought them to the table.

Kurogane made a noise of affirmation. "Kid got sick last night. Fever and everything. So I slept in his room on the floor."

He set down Kurogane's plate and sat across from him, tearing into a piece of bacon harshly. He started becoming irritated. Kurogane hadn't even looked at him this morning. Thanked him. Brought up last night. He began pointedly fingering at his neck hoping to catch Kurogane's eyes. The taller only continued to dig into his food seemingly contemplative. He finally seemed to notice the silence. "Why are you up? Aren't you usually asleep by now?"

"I couldn't sleep. The sun was already coming up by the time I got here so it felt a little strange to sleep."

They sat in silence. Fai could tell Kurogane hadn't really noticed which only served to bug him further. He adjusted his hair so it completely exposed his neck. "Are you going to take Syaoran to the doctor's?"

Kurogane finally seemed to acknowledge him and looked up. "My student insurance doesn't cover him until the papers are final, and I don't know where the closest office is that takes his. I'll have to call first. I don't even know if I can afford the copay this week after the snacks I had to buy yesterday." Kurogane stopped eating and growled at his food in irritation. He started eating again with even more vigor.

Why didn't Kurogane think to ask him? Why didn't Kurogane ever think to ask him for help?

Fai continued to pick at his food with determination. "I could help, you know," he mumbled as he forked some ketchup covered eggs and shoved them into his mouth.

Kurogane must have still been lost trying to think his way through his financial situation because he didn't even seem to register Fai had spoke. Fai sighed heavily and excused himself from the table. He came up behind Kurogane and leaned over the man's right shoulder to grab his empty plate. He made sure to leave his neck exposed. Kurogane paid him no mind.

The blond let the dishes clatter into the sink and ran his hands through his hair in irritation. It was now or never. They had to hash it out now or they never would. Fai had to do it not just for himself but for both of them.

"I'm going to go see if Syaoran can handle some eggs," Kurogane's chair scraped the floor as he made to leave.

"I cheated on you." There was no particular force behind his words and up until that point, he had just felt anger. Now he felt overwhelming sadness and disappointment. Was it ending? - The thought did bring some degree of relief, but images of the last two years of his life reminded him what he could possibly lose in the course of the conversation that was going to happen.

Fai could feel that Kurogane had stopped moving and had turned to face him. He thought it was funny how once you had been with a person long enough you could sense their movements, but he also found it funny that you could keep this ability and feel so disconnected from that same person. Kurogane didn't speak for a minute, but Fai could hear him licking his lips as he opened and closed his mouth. "W-what?" He finally stuttered.

Fai finally turned to meet Kurogane's eyes. "I-I'm sorry." His words were inadequate, he knew, but he was sorry. Not sorry that it had happened, entirely, but sorry that he had hurt Kurogane. The last thing he ever wanted to do was hurt somebody he loved. And he did love Kurogane and for the first time he realized that love alone might not be enough anymore.

"You're sorry?" Kurogane spat as he dragged his hands through his hair and turned away from Fai. Even from the kitchen, he could see how tight the muscles in Kurogane's back had gone. "Why? Why would you do that?" Fai had never seen Kurogane cry. Not even when his parents had died, but he could hear the tears cracking the man's voice as he choked on his words.

Where was he supposed to begin to answer that question? "Because you never come back to bed anymore. And you never kiss me goodbye. And you never ask me for help. And you never act like you need me. And you've stopped making me feel wanted and important. And – and you never say you love me."

"Fai," Kurogane turned back to him with a strange mixture of betrayal and guilt in his eyes. "I love you. I do. I love you so much. How do you not see it?"

The blonde pressed his palms into his eyes. "How do you not see we're falling apart? I'm falling apart."

"How was I supposed to know if you never told me anything? I didn't even know anything was wrong with us! I thought we were fine," he finished weakly.

Fai had thought it impossible but his anger escalated. "How could you not tell? Oh! Maybe because you don't pay enough attention to notice that we haven't had sex in nearly two months! Or pay enough attention to notice that you haven't said it in nearly three weeks!"

"Said what?"

"You know what! You stopped yourself from saying it last night. I know you did!"

It clicked with Kurogane. "I love you! I love you! I love you! What fucking more do you want from me Fai!"

"I want you to care! I want you to let me in! I want you to talk to me! I want it to be like it was before!" It slipped out before he could have stopped it.

Kurogane's eyes hardened into an icy glare. "Well it's not. I have a kid to take care of now and my parents are dead. You wouldn't know how to deal with that."

"Only because you refuse to let me learn how to deal with it! I didn't even know how your parents died until Syaoran told me! You should have been the one to tell me! I was your boyfriend for god sake!"

"Was? You don't get to make that decision!"

"What do you want me to do? Wait around until you're ready to be a better boyfriend? If you cared about me you wouldn't suggest that. But in this case, maybe if you cared you would have already realized I'm wasting away! I'm emotionally drained from trying to comprehend how to make things better between us when I'm the only one who knows there's anything wrong!" The blond breathed heavily for a few moments to gather himself. "I can't be the only one trying," Fai insisted with a cracking voice.

"I'm here! I can try. I can make time for you. I can put Syaoran to bed earlier. I can find a babysitter. I can do something," Kurogane pleaded.

"Why do none of your suggestions involve making me apart of your family?" Fai screamed back. "That's the problem Kurogane! You don't want me to be apart of your life! Your life involves Syaoran and you won't even put me on the list to pick him up from school."

"It's my burden to hold! Syaoran is my duty now. I need to be his brother, father, and mother now. You didn't sign up for that and I can't just dump that responsibility on you."

"Who says you would have been dumping it on me! I wanted to help! I wanted to be there for both of you so badly Kurogane and you shut me out. So don't sit there and try to make it out like you were trying to protect me."

"I was!"

"You weren't! You were just trying to protect yourself from having to share the pain with somebody who wouldn't instantly understand it. How do you think I felt knowing you were suffering and there was nothing I could do? How do you think I felt knowing I couldn't share this pain with you? And that you didn't want me to even try?"

Kurogane was never really one for many words when they didn't count but Fai would have never described him as speechless either. He knew when he should speak and the fact Kurogane had nothing to say was nothing short of surprising. The darker haired man just stood there looking dumbfounded. "I didn't mean to hurt you," he finally said as he looked back up to Fai with wide and pleading eyes.

Fai chewed on his bottom lip as he tried to compose himself. "I know you didn't," he said slowly as he looked off to a skyward corner of the apartment. "But that doesn't change anything."

At one point not too long ago both of them had been ready to fight, but now, now the air in the room was filled with defeat. His tiredness was beginning to catch up with him, his knees felt weak. "I can't do this anymore, Kurogane. You don't talk to me, and I don't know how to talk to you anymore. Or how to get you to open up to me. I want to be there for you and you – you refuse to let me."

Kurogane took a seat at the table and hung his head between his knees and clasped his hands together. "What now?"

"I-" Fai gasped pitifully as he tried to stop himself from crying. "I think we're done here." he moved to grab his jacket and keys from where he had deposited them this morning.

Kurogane stood abruptly, "Wait! Fai don't leave."

Fai thought to himself that there was some sort of sick humor to the fact it had taken him until now to see the old Kurogane. Part of himself felt that he could just reach out, apologize, and they would kiss and spend the day in bed with each other not talking, not having sex just being in mutual sadness that only they could comfort.

"I don't know what else I can do, Kurogane. I don't know if I even made a real effort to try." Knowing that he hadn't made a full effort to try and saying it outloud were two different things. It meant he was accepting his part in the failure of their relationship.

Kurogane opened his mouth to talk but was interrupted by Syaoran. Both of them could hear the kid throwing up from where they stood facing off in the kitchen. "Kurogane!" Syaoran called weakly before they heard him vomiting again.

"Don't leave, we aren't done," Kurogane failed to demand as he went to back away out of the kitchen.

"Can you honestly say you can make me a priority like you do him?" He didn't mean it as an ultimatum or to be selfish. He recognized Syaoran needed to be Kurogane's priority despite the fact he wanted to be Kurogane's priority.

Kurogane stopped short and gaped at him like he had, had the air physically knocked out of him. "Don't make me choose."

They both knew what wasn't being said: Because I'll choose him.

"I'm not making you choose. I'm making the decision for you." Fai responded. He was finally finished. He had nothing left in him. "Goodbye, Kurogane."

"I love you." Kurogane pleaded with him.

Fai stopped at the front door. "Sometimes it just isn't enough."

"Don't just make decisions about us on your own!"

Fai ignored him.

"You're being selfish!" Kurogane finally declared as he fought any sort of emotion that could be thought of as weakness from his voice.

"I know." With that, Fai let the door click closed behind him. "I'll be back for my things."

Syaoran had already reached the stairs and was rolling on the balls of his feet as he waited patiently for Kurogane. He looked worried - like he might be in trouble.

"You're not in trouble brat," Kurogane said shoving Syaoran's head down and ruffling his already disastrous hair. It couldn't look any worse - so what was the harm?

"Are you sure?" Syaoran looked up at him with those - what did Fai call them? - big brown puppy dog eyes.

Kurogane shoved his hands in his pockets and grunted. He shouldn't have yelled at the kid before they left the apartment. It was his fault he hadn't looked at the snack schedule more carefully to plan on spending the sixty bucks he was about to use to buy class snacks. "Yeah, I'm sure kid."

They descended the stairs in silence before Syaoran reached for Kurogane's hand. "Fai looked sad this morning."

Kurogane's eyebrow quirked up and he pushed the door to the front of the building open. "You think so?"

Syaoran just shrugged. The kid still wasn't talking much in general since their parents had passed and was less inclined to do so in public. Still, he wasn't the type of kid to lie or intentionally exaggerate the truth. He remembered then that he had promised Fai he would come back to kiss him before he left. Kurogane growled and Syaoran stopped to look up at him, "Not you, Kid."

Goddamnit - lately it felt like him and Fai weren't seeing each other at all despite the fact they practically lived in the same apartment. How was it possible to miss somebody who you slept next to every night? But his boyfriend had been having a hard time sleeping lately and Kurogane found it hard to justify waking him up just to talk. Even after snacks he should have a few extra bucks in his pocket he could keep him and Syaoran out of the house for a few hours. Maybe get a burger with fries and a shake? - just so Fai could rest a little longer.

In all honesty neither of them was sleeping well. Kurogane's only comfort was that Fai was there next to him every night.

Neither of them had meant for it to happen; it just had. Fai had shown up to get his things and it seemed Kurogane had made it a point to be in any room but the one Fai was in. Fai couldn't blame him. He still had hickeys on his neck from a few days before and Kurogane's stare was burning guilty fire over the bruises and making his neck itch. Maybe Kurogane had reacted on instinct but the next thing they knew they we fumbling out of clothes and pushing each other into Kurogane's bedroom.

They'd fucked in the coldest, most detached, and primitive meaning of the word. It was angry and painful and rightfully so. Fai had bitten Kurogane's lip so hard he broken skin and he'd scratched Kurogane's back raw - bloody in some places. Later when Fai was lying on his bathroom floor preparing to wash the cum from his body and as the mirror began to fog pain coursed through his hips and deep bruises began to form on his biceps where Kurogane had held to pin him to the bed and on his hips where Kurogane had dug his fingers in for leverage.

Sex had seemed like such an important teller of how much Kurogane loved him during their relationship. Kurogane had never been one for flowery language but he could feel Kurogane's love for him when his boyfriend - ex-boyfriend - would let himself be fed despite his 'manly pride', when Kurogane would leave him food in the microwave for after work, or even when Kurogane would get up early just to go get him from work. And then there was sex. Fai felt love in the small things Kurogane did for him everyday but the feeling of love was deeper and more raw when they had made love. It was in the way they touched each other with ghosting fingertips, the gentleness with which they cradled each other to their bodies, their exchange of oxygen between a miniscule separation of lips, and the way they watched each other melt with pleasure through their own lust laden eye.

Fai realized sex was just as good an indicator of hatred. Kurogane hated him and he could understand that. He also knew how Kurogane would react to their breakup: he'd throw himself into work and occupy all other time by zoning in on Syaoran's life; after an acceptable amount of time he'd look forward to and focus on the future as opposed to dwelling on the past. He, himself, would probably spend the next few weeks in a silent depression, then one day he would wake up, accept his situation as it was, and do everything in his power to cleanse his life of negativity starting with the physical and eventually finding new things to focus on - he'd had his heartbroken before.

And, eventually, they would both learn to love again.

They say that love is patient and love is kind and that if you love something to let it go and if it comes back it is yours to keep. So they both wait patiently for time to pass, wounds to heal, people to mature, and needs to change. Do they know that this is what they are doing? No. If you were to ask either of them they would tell you that they had moved on - found new partners and interests. But why had they not lasted? They would probably reply with a non-answer "Why do you care?" "Oh, you know how things are". But deep down they both know that they are waiting.

Years pass. Spring. Summer. Fall. And winter that reminds both of them of a time in the past. They think about each other often and fondly for the most part. Yet, there are nights when neither of them sleep well and the hurt feels fresh. It's on those nights they sift through the boxes at the back of their closets and flip through the two years worth of pictures and touch all things that remind them of their missing peace.

Then on a moonless night both of them are dragged to a nightclub by their friends. The club is familiar though neither of them can quite place it since so much time has passed. And they see each other across the room like so many years ago. One of them, the first to notice the other, has always believed in fate and so he stands there still as stone. The other notices the man staring at him shortly after and believes a person makes their own fate, so after a moment of stunned immobility he steps towards the other. The lights drop as the DJ makes his way to the stage and the neon lights come on.

They say that love is patient and love is kind and that if you love something let it go and if it comes back it is yours to keep.

* * *

A/N: Comments (especially critical reviews) are always appreciated.

I usually have long winded author's notes but I really hope this speaks for itself for the few people who read it. I understand this is probably one of those fics I wrote because it's something I would want to read as opposed to something I know others would want to read.


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